Are Zombies a Blasphemous Riff on the Rapture?

Are Zombies a Blasphemous Riff on the Rapture?
OK. There.  I said it.

I've been wanting to "dig up" this subject since I started this blog, and well-- I think it's time.

Are Zombies a Blasphemous Riff on the Rapture?



Let me begin by saying that I am a born Catholic. PLEASE don't misconstrue that for a "born-again Catholic/Christian."

By definition, a "born again Christian" is one who, as we all are, born pure and sin-free.  We then live and commit all kinds of sins and atrocities.  Then, at some point, we maybe find God, and we are "Born Again!"  From there on forward, we just need to repent our sins (we apparently aren't capable, as standard normal human beings, of being good... (I'm thinking the rules are too hard... maybe they're just not defined well enough.. help me out here.  If there's a manual (please don't think the manual is the Bible.)-- maybe it needs to be revised -- JUST repent your sins to keep in the good graces of the Almighty.

A few things spring to mind in my confusion of "my religion" and its doctrine.  When I die-- do I go to Heaven when I die?  That's what I've been told as a little boy.  Be good-- you go to Heaven.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) I have started to question this simplistic approach to survival and afterwards (and I know I'm not the only one!). There are chinks in the armor of this approach.

If  I die, and I'm a good boy, I go to Heaven.

But how does this work when we factor in the Rapture?  The Second Coming of Christ?

The cinematic way this would work might be to create this culture of zombie/undead creatures-- brought back to life for whatever reason.  The parallels to the Rapture are so so obvious.  I believe zombie culture has grown from this.  Zombie culture is a warped twisted version of this bigger idea.  I gotta say-- when I die (and I know I will)  and if I am awakened and have to claw my way out of the ground... I'm gonna be really really pissed -- maybe even enough to bite someone's head off (literally).

But. if my destination is Heaven, and Jesus flies in on the starship U.S.S. Heaven, to scoop up the good folks out of the ground and take them up to their reward-- um.. um... aren't I already there? Aren't I already there?  I have already died.  Aren't I already frolicking in poofey clouds etc etc etc..?  I died and went to Heaven, right??  Right?? RIGHT!!? I'm in Heaven then...right? I am already there RIGHT???(...in Heaven.  Did I mention I was in Heaven?)   Right?  What the heck is Jesus and the U.S.S Heaven picking up?  Rotting  pieces of meat and bone?  Don't I go to Heaven when I died?

To be fair...
(... not that they deserve it...) let's look at it more metaphorically.

Maybe dying IS the Rapture..?  Think about it.  When you go to sleep at night and wake up 8 hours later...  it really does feel like NO time has passed.

Maybe that's what dying is like.  We die-- our brain and spirit and body split [into this layer of timelessness... and then, on cue we wake up-- and there it is-- the Stairway to U.S.S Heaven is right there-- just climb on up] -- Led Zeppelin Guitar riff!!

How does this jive with other religions (and believe me, zombies will factor in this discussion soon)?  Hang on...

Extremist Islam dictates that dying an honorable death will reward you with a whole bunch of virgins.  A wee bit of research has disclosed that bunch consists of 13 to 72 virgins.  Thirteen seems to be the standard (and... COME ON -- who said 13 was an un-lucky number??)

If I've blown myself into a thousand pieces because I believe I am doing the right thing for Allah -- I think it's gonna be real hard to gather up all my pieces scattered all over the place to take me up to the virgins.  And to be honest-- if I've just blown myself to bits, I would be pretty pissed if I have to wait for the U.S.S. Heraven to arrive and gather up all my pieces and whisk me off to the virgins.

I could be waiting for centuries-- and I hear it's fricken hot in the Middle East.

To be honest, if I get up there, frolicking away in a pond of happiness and unicorns, and next door there's some dude frolicking away with more than a dozen naked virgins-- I'm gonna be real pissed...

Anyway-- it's not fair for me to riff on Islam and Muslims... because, to be honest, I am, by no means, an expert.

How does this all come back around to zombies??

Christian Religion (Catholicism, Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Mormons..etc..etc) have out-right talked about the time when the good souls/people of planet earth will be taken away from this earthly abode... leaving the rest of us heathens to fight over scraps, water, food, energy.......HOLD IT A SECOND.  Isn't that happening now?  Jeeze this sounds familiar.

Has the Rapture already happened-- the good guys are not supposed to suffer the excruciating pain of the end of humanity?

That doesn't explain how Adolph Hitler, Mussolini, King Edward  blah blah blah got to have the dirt nap, and ultimately the "happy dance" to eternal bliss.  There is a little problem of Biblical proportions here.  Of course, maybe they'll just wait for all the good folks to leave, and then they'll dig their way out of their graves, and I'd bet they'd be plenty hungry.

Let's lay it on the line.

It won't take zombies for human kind to figure out we've f*cked up.  I think we know we have.

And it's all their fault.

ALEHUYA!