You just can’t get a good apocalypse these days. We’ve been threatened with the Y2K bug, the Hadron Collider and the Rapture, and nothing has happened. The tinfoil hat brigade aren’t doing too well when it comes to predicting apocalypses, but there is one that stands above the rest in terms of danger – the zombie apocalypse.
Zombies have exploded in the public consciousness in the past few years (are they trying to prepare us for something?) but there’s a general reluctance for people to actually get prepared for the inevitable apocalypse. Not to fear, as here are a few tips that’ll ensure that you’ll be far more prepared when the undead eventually take over the earth.
Accept the problem at the very beginning
You can guarantee that at the first sign of the zombie apocalypse, everyone is going to film it on their phones and upload it onto YouTube. You can imagine how that’s going to go down,
“This is the best viral ad I’ve ever seen! I’m going to get a million hits for this! Oh, hang on, something’s eating my face …”
Once you get wind of unexplained illnesses, mysterious attacks and unusual bites, you should already be halfway to your safe house with your cricket bat in your hand. Keep a survival pack by your door with enough food and water for at least 72 hours, and either have a route to a safe house planned or stockpile your materials for fortifying your home.
Get some unfit friends
Anyone who’s seen Zombieland knows that “fatties die first”, so make sure you’re in good enough shape to outrun a horde of hungry zombies without getting a cramp or needing a sit down. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with having a few unfit survivors to tag along with you.
Like lions hunting antelope, zombies will attack the slowest member of the group, giving you ample time to make your escape while they’re distracted. It’s a harsh way to do things, but the world has become a harsh place. Try not to form any attachment to these expendable zombie entrées beforehand, though; it causes unnecessary problems.
Stop running with scissors
There’s always one idiot who picks up a machete or a kitchen knife and all of a sudden thinks that they’re Zorro. Newsflash – unless you’re trained in bladed combat, you’re more likely to do harm to yourself and your group than you are the zombies. Besides, using a blade isn’t all that effective unless you can manage a decapitation in a single stroke. They won’t give you the chance of a second attempt.
Three words should always come to mind when you’re trying to down a zombie. Blunt. Force. Trauma. Crowbars, sledgehammers, cricket bats – these should be your weapons of choice. Build up strength in your shoulders to be able to swing these with enough force to do maximum damage.
Hell is other people
If you can survive in a post-apocalyptic world without getting munched on, then that’s half the battle won (especially during the first 72 hours when you’re adjusting to the upheaval of it all). The other half is surviving in a post-apocalyptic world with other people and with limited space, resources, ammo and patience.
Any alliances or friendships you make will be precarious (unless you already mark them out for the role of zombie distractor, see point 1) so never let your guard down, even if you think everything is A-Okay. Someone might start to get too comfortable, which leads to them making a grab for power as leader of the group or finally buckling under the pressure and jeopardising everyone’s safety. Be especially wary of the ones that start mumbling to themselves.
Just because it’s the apocalypse doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, so try not to get eaten. Just keep these tips in mind and you’ll remain a survivor.
Jamie Gibbs is the resident blogger and zombie survival expert for life insurance comparison site Confused.com. After several failed zombie survival initiatives, his plan now is to go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over.